The following is an excerpt of a posting in a forum about HIV issues. The original posting was from a man who was infected in a "monogamous" relationship. The man had been infected by his partner, who was positive, and lied over several years, while they had unprotected sex. Personally, I find that kind of lie morally repulsive, and probably criminal. Many notes echoed the following sentiments:

"YOU chose to have unprotected sex. Regardless of the fact that he was your boyfriend in a 'supposed' monogamous relationship or that he lied, you still chose.
I tell you, everyone needs to take accountability for their own actions. It's not about who lied to you, it's about what you allowed. It's your body. If you don't want HIV or STI's, then don't bareback, regardless of it being a partner monogamously or not. If you're willing to accept the possible risks, then do what you want as long as you don't come crying later.
Yes, to most everyone, it's a criminal thing to keep going around and infecting others, but those people are somewhat just as stupid for 'believing' him in the fact that he says he's negative and having bareback sex due to believing him. I just don't understand why it's ALWAYS the poz guy's fault. EVERYONE takes accountability.
And there's always Karma. You keep doing evil things, something big is gonna back to bite ya. And for the things i've seen, it always has come back 10 fold, so i tend not to worry about those people. I worry more about the people who don't think with their heads appropriately.

I find it really funny in the online world too where people will ask status of someone (after claiming to want bareback sex) and that someone will be honest either saying, yes they are poz or that they are neg from their last test but that's only as good as the last test and they bareback, so truthfully, one could claim they don't know for sure. The other guy will say, "well, i don't want to take the chance if you don't know", yet he'll believe others so easily that say they're neg.
Fools, i say. This is the way it's been and always will be. Some get caught, some don't and we wish they would. In the end, REALLY, we have to take accountability for ourselves.
I refuse to play the blame game. I made my own choices, i knew exactly what the possible outcomes & consequences were."

Everyone is responsible for their own health, but nobody is absolved of the responsiblity to avoiding another person, even if that person makes a foolish choice.

He must be........or he wouldn't do that/be here.

I keep hearing this one: Went to the baths, had unsafe sex. The negative guys think, "damn, he's hot, doesn't look sick, no reason to worry." Poz guys think, "If he were not poz already, he wouldn't be in the baths with his butt in the air and the door wide open.

Ask. Tell.

This quiet misunderstanding is leading to lots of new infections. You can't tell by looking. You can't guess by risk taking or geography.

Dealing with it

I found this written on another chat list, and thought it was so good that I asked the writer, Brian, if I migh post it here.

"The "eroticizing" of HIV has become much more pronounced in the last 5-7 years. For some, the premeditated act of potentially giving or receiving the virus heightens sexual pleasure for them. They go around using terms like "breeding" and "seeding", getting guys "pregnant" etc...as if this act links these men in some sort of unbroken bond. A brotherhood of sorts. I don't claim to understand it, but those are the facts.

Another fact, however, is one that footlicker alluded to in his original post: the reality of living with the disease. For these men, the idea of "acquiring" the disease seems to be the focus without any regard for the actual "possession" of it. In other words they seek it out as fantasy but most times are not prepared for the realistic damage it causes to their bodies, psyche, or lives. I hear talk of a sense of "freedom" that these men think the infection will bring them in terms of sexual behavior, but that couldn't be further from the truth.

Here is the truth:

There isn't such thing as freedom in relation to this disease. You are a prisoner to medications. You are a prisoner to public perception to the disease itself. You are a prisoner of doctor visits, potential opportunistic infections, and therapy failure due to resistance issue. We don't even need to talk about the fact that your risk of dying from cancers, heart disease and stroke increases dramatically post infection. Oh, and shortened life span kind of puts a damper on things as well.

Rather than the world opening up for you sexually, be prepared to spend more time in the fantasy of having sex rather than the actual act itself because the overwhelming majority of the world DON'T want the infection you worked so hard to get, and will in most cases avoid that type of contact with you. Just look around this forum. How many men have posted here discussing their struggles regarding relationships, sex partners, difficulty finding love and acceptance, and of course fear of disclosure regarding their status? Now that you so proudly and actively sought out the disease, do you intend to trumpet your success in getting it to everyone you meet? I doubt it.

THAT is the reality of this disease. Not so glamorous after all is it?"